Chapter 7: Insecurity

So it turns out that today you didn’t write anything in your diary. I think because you didn’t have anything to share with me. Nothing. Yes, I said I won’t be updating anymore. But, I didn’t ask you to stop writing in YOUR diary. Why did you stop?

We promise to share with each other things that happened. No matter what. Trying to hide the fact that you’re going dinner with him makes it even worse you know. If you told me early early that he invited you for dinner, and you will go just to listen to what he has to say, that is totally fine with me, seriously. I had to ask you again and again when you said you have “something” to do. Is this the relationship that you want? Everytime you have “something” to do. Then I also have “something” to do. Do you really want our relationship to go this route? Each of us doing our own “things”? Do you think this kind of pattern is healthy in the long run?

We really cannot be like this. No matter if it’s your husband or ex-husband or whoever or whatever reason, just say it out. I’m sure before you agree to meet with someone, you must have your reason to go, or before you do something you must have your reason. Same goes to me. Offering a bit more information to your partner assures him or her, and is a sign that you care for him or her, and also respect each other as partners. This is not reporting, this is just sharing with each other our lives, sharing about what’s happening with our lives outside of the 2 of us. So, I hope whenever you say you’ll do this and that, or you’ll meet who and who, it comes with a bit more details. Unless we are normal colleagues, then I wouldn’t care or want to even know. I don’t even care if you’ve had dinner. I won’t even care if your eye is pain, leg is pain, I won’t care if you’re tired. I won’t care if you are hungry, I won’t care about your safety. I won’t care if your car is low on fuel, I won’t care if forgot to take your medicines. I won’t care no matter how bad your cough is, I won’t care if you’re sleepy and need coffee.

I just hope you won’t hide things from me again. If I choose to overthink, the fault is with me. If you tell me upfront about what will happen and why it will happen then IF I am still upset, then it will be my fault. If you hide from me and then I found out accidentally, obviously I will be upset. And then you can’t blame me for overthinking after that, right? I’ll be thinking, why must hide this dinner appointment? What’s going on? Why can’t even tell me upfront the dinner location? Is it somewhere romantic? What’s going on? You said to trust you, yes, but trust requires truth. If you notice, I never force you to tell me what you and him discuss about. All the info was told to me voluntarily by you. This is my respect. I just give my opinion based on what you told me. So, I also hope that moving forward, you can also respect me by not hiding the fact. This is just basic respect between partners, if you still value me as a BP.

I know you have your reasons, and you don’t want me to overthink or think that I will lose you, or think that you’ll go back to him. Until everything is signed, there is always this possibility. Even after everything is signed, there is still this possibility. Even after we’re together, we can still breakup. Even if we get married in the future, we could still divorce.

The point I’m trying to make is, life is hard. Relationships are even harder. We have our own preferences, habits, patterns, tempers, likes, dislikes, environment, sensitivity, comfortness, patience, etc. And, among these there are hundreds of them. So there are thousands of combinations to make us unique. To make Zerline Chooi who she is. To make Alan Lee who he is. And we have to combine all of this, together, to live in harmony, to find happiness. To sync together. It’s hard work. Couples who has lived together for 40, 50 years, are still working hard together every single day.

With us, there is no exception. I don’t want to repeat my last relationship mistakes where we have failed in our communication, in our path for each other. With you, I want to build this bridge together, a strong bridge, that will not crumble, that will not shake, that will not break even when there’s an earthquake. I want to forge this bridge together and make it as long as possible, to ensure that we walk on it for as long as possible, for as far as possible.

Maybe, just maybe whatever I wish for might not come true, because our destiny is not to be together. Maybe you feel that whatever God has arranged is just temporary, and should not be taken seriously. When you suggested to pause our relationship so that you have some time to find your feelings and clear your mind, I reluctantly agreed. Because this is what you need to do, so there’s no point to disagree with you. I know I might sound negative a lot of the time, it’s because so far, the signals coming from you is not very convincing, I know, I’ve been in several relationships previously, and when a person is committed to you, his or her actions and words will show very clearly. I know you need time, you’re someone who really needs convincing yourself before you put your ALL IN into me. Perhaps you’re scared. But at the same time, I have my fears too. Now you see, that’s the beauty of love. We don’t know what the future will bring. We can only hope, and put in our best effort. As long as you’re willing to walk this road with me, as long as you’re willing to build this bridge with me, I will be with you, all the way.

This, is my promise to you, till I die.

Your BP,

28/2/24

8:05pm