Chapter 6: Time

I guess you won’t ever know how much your words hurt me. By saying you needed to think clearly to make a decision, it’s like putting a knife into my heart. I CAN feel how much you love me, how MUCH you care for me… and we both know the answer already. I asked you how much feeling you have for me just to hear you say it. I have long known that the feeling is not much, but I am always lying to myself that given enough time, this love feeling MIGHT increase. We both know this is only a small possibility. Your love for me is there, but I don’t know what percentage. When you love a person you make sacrifices for them no matter what the circumstances are. Maybe I’m asking too much at this point. Maybe I’m a fool. Or maybe I’m an idiot who thought that you’ve already made your decision a long time ago, and now you’re saying you need time to think, because previously you didn’t think for yourself.

All the times when you’re by yourself, I wonder what did you feel? Before he moved out, I wonder what did you feel? Happy? Very happy? Women are weird creatures. When a man treats her like trash for almost 20 years, she still wants to find happiness in him. I’m sorry for saying this, but please do not complain again for all the treatment that you’ve received in the past from him, whatever you decide. Because even when you are being treated like rubbish, you still care. There is a word for it, but I won’t call you that. I love you too much to see you in this manner. If you don’t have the dignity to forget the past and move forward, please by all means be back with him. I can only wish you the best and hope that you can find happiness with him for the next 20 years.

My heart hurts so much right now, this is not the correct way to treat me. No, no, no, not the right way. I can’t imagine why would you even consider taking this step. Every word that you said is like killing me. I now know clearly how little you love me. What can I do? Honestly, there’s nothing much left to do for a man. A man that has given you everything, time, devotion, loyalty, care, pamper, patience, love, hugs, kisses, lessons, and really everything there is… is useless when it comes to your happiness eh. I can’t imagine myself ever loving another woman so much again in my life if it’s not with you. Remember that poster One in a million? Remember the words? Remember the explanation by me? Surely you remember, because you saved the Notes. You would think I’m just typing it to win your heart? Yes, everything I’ve done is to win your heart, but it is something deep from my heart. Every single thing that I have done for you, is from deep within my heart. I can alter my sleep schedule to be able to fetch you to training. But. To you, coming to my place for breakfast or lunch is a pain. Love, is it there, if it’s there, it won’t be a pain for you. I don’t need to beg you like a beggar for you to come. You would WANT to come instead of me asking for it. No mood? Wouldn’t it be better if you come find me and boost your mood, if the love is there? For comparison, I know even if you no mood, you would have no hesitation in finding him for whatever reason, if he asked you to. That really broke my heart. Even after so many months…. your heart is still at his place. This I know. Please don’t lie to me.

Whatever happened between you and him, has happened. You still think, why did it have to come to this conclusion. Why have to divorce. Because you don’t love me enough, so the magnet from my side is not strong enough to pull you away from these thoughts. I feel your love for me has increased over the months, but at a very very very low rate. I’m not even sure if it will increase further, I can only trust your words, when you told me you will be a good woman to me, and I will be the luckiest man in the world. I wanted to be happy hearing this, but my heart was only 50% convinced by your words. Maybe the timing was wrong. Maybe I didn’t truly believe it because at that moment, I can’t feel it. There’s just too many things that DIDN’T happen for me to really believe those words. Well, as I write this, only time will tell.

I’m very sure that by now, you already know that I do really really love you very much. I read an article the other day that says, usually when a person starts to like or flirt with another person, it only lasts for 3 months maximum, after that he or she will get bored already. This is for flirting or only infatuation. Anything more than 3 months or longer, means he or she is serious about it. I’ve allowed you to bully me, talk down to me, throw tantrums, show temper, use sarcastic words, let me wait hours, wait till after midnight, and many more things. Like a dog eh? Like an idiot hor? It all doesn’t matter to me, because I know that it will be worth it, as I know you are my woman, my princess, my girl, my baby, the one that I really, truly love, and I will allow you to do all these things, and that was what I promised. I mean what I promised, it’s not just sweet words. When I say I love you, I mean it every single time.

I’m really losing hope that your love for me will ever be strong enough for us to have a meaningful relationship now, seeing the way a mere conversation can overcome whatever you have thought and whatever we went through the past couple of months. This really shows that it has been me fighting for this love all along, and as you’ve rightly said, you’re just following along because let me ask you, did you ever fight for me? Did you ever think, YES, I want to be with Alan Lee. Yes, let’s give it my maximum effort. But I’m sure you also know that my fight is not without limits de, if I feel that time and time again, I fight and you let go, I will just stop fighting for this love. I am not capable of fighting forever, I am just a normal guy who loves you with all his heart. I will just stop fighting. I can’t go on forever, I can’t fight on and knowing that the results will forever be a loss. I really can’t.

Every relationship needs work to make it be meaningful. It’s all up to us if we want it or not. You and me both. I know I want it to work. The question is, do you? You’ve tried to make it work for 20 years. Zerline Chooi, I’m sorry, but if you think that you’d be happier with him, please, go and talk to him and be with him. Try for another 20 years, if this is what you truly want. I’m really really tired of fighting anymore. My heart hurts too much knowing that after all the fighting I’ve done, it’s all useless.

I’m sorry I’m not someone you fall in love naturally. I’m just someone who came along in your life and showed you what is true love. But I can’t be someone you will not love with all your heart. I just want you to love me back, but now, please go and find your happiness.

I’ve not even heard you say to me the words I love you willingly. I had to ask for it to be heard, never automatically from your mouth. I don’t doubt you love me, only you can answer how much is this love.

I really didn’t expect things to suddenly turn this way. Definitely not after a video call.

I will give you time, of course. Go, find your happiness. Take care.