It’s Raining

… heavily this morning. The same goes to my heart. I don’t understand at first, but after cooling down for a few hours and concentrating on my work, my mind is clearer and I have come to realize something.

I am jealous

But yet at the same time, I cannot explain. I shouldn’t be this jealous. Yet, every time I feel that you gave me less attention and instead prioritize over me, I get jealous. And this is poisoning me at the core. I feel out of control whenever I sense that you have time for me, but chose to focus on other people instead. I wished that you would sometimes talk to me properly and explain your actions to calm me down and diffuse the situation, but a lot of times, you dismiss my fears and my insecurities and chose to attack me instead.

I cannot complain. I’m not supposed to complain. I know you have tried your best to accommodate me and to give me time, but yet, I always feel not enough. Perhaps I am too possessive. Perhaps I love you too much, so this has turned me into someone I am not. Especially when I feel that my actions and care are not reciprocated. I also feel again that there is some kind of force that always circling me and causing me to loose my temper towards you, some kind of negative energy or poison. This is not who I am. And yet, it is happening again and again.

I know, sorry doesn’t mean anything. But I can only offer you sorry. I thought today could be a happy day, but sometimes life has its own way of path. I really looked forward to making the toasted pizza bread for you, I was happily shopping for ingredients last night and waking up this morning to prepare. It doesn’t matter to me how tired or lack of sleep I have, as long as I feel the love back from you, all worries that I have, is worth it.

But for now, I can only dream.