Chapter 1 – Shivering but Hopeful

It is now 11:03pm as I start to write this. The aircon is too cold so I am actually shivering, and the leg space is too short so I am very comfortable. I tried to sleep but I can’t, tossing and turning for almost 2 hours and still unable to sleep. I think it’s mostly because of the cold.

And also because I’m missing you damn a lot. I tried telling my stupid brain, ok stop thinking and missing Zerline already, get some sleep, but the stupid brain just won’t listen. So, here I am writing this karangan since I have nothing to do.

I truly apologize for the hurt and uneasiness that you let you go through. I guess I am really inexperienced in this love thing, and I only know how to love you from my perspective and never really stand in your shoes and think about how you would feel and how you would react. I’m such a noob when it comes to these things. Whatever is done is done though. What I can promise you is I will learn to do better so that you won’t suffer these same kind of feelings of hurt and sadness anymore. I admit that I am naive in thinking of by treating you nice and lovely and giving you a sweet and warm feeling is all it takes, but in fact there are also other aspects that I need to consider as well. I promise to love you, teach you, help you, care for you, make you happy, pamper you, make you feel wanted, make you feel satisfied, and let you be unreasonable, let you throw tantrum, be your punching bag, and lend you my ears to complain, lend you my shoulder to cry on, and grant you your wishes.

All I ask for is for you to love me back. I know not now and it will take time, but let’s also use time to grow your love for me as well. I’m sure it will grow as time goes by, I have no doubt about it. I know very clearly that there are things which you do not want to say or do at this moment because your conscience will not allow it, and for this I love you because it shows you are a woman with integrity and loyalty and kindness till the very end even though he doesn’t appreciate whatever you have sacrificed and gone through throughout the years.

Our relationship came about by chance, almost by accident I would say. The first day I met you in Radical (I can still vividly remember our first conversation), never in a million years would I imagine that we have developed what we have today. I guess this is what they called fate. Better be late than never. If I never admitted and expressed my feelings for you and never took action, I know I will regret my whole life. I’m glad I did take action, because I know fighting for your love and not giving up is going to be worth it in the end.

Let me take this opportunity to also say this again, and repeat again. I thank you and appreciate and cherish you for whatever you have done and tried to do for me, and I am eternally grateful for this, no matter how big or small the gesture might be. There are so many thoughts and feelings going through me some of the time, and whenever you do or say something nice and sweet to me, it really boost up my mood and feelings at least 10x. You’re my drug. My poison which have no cure in this world. And I love it. I love that in this world of over 7 billion people, you are the one that has this power over me. You are the only one that can make me nervous, and happy all at the same time. I love all of you so much, no matter it’s good or bad.

I know it’s a lot of words and I have said a lot, but trust me, it’s because I feel overwhelmed by whatever is happening also. It’s why sometimes I lose control and do the things that might have accidentally made you sad. I regret instantly when I know a made a mistake, and sometimes I can’t forgive myself for being so stupid.

I will let time be the main component for our relationship to flourish, while also using time to help me show my love and care and sayang for you. I hope you would, in time to come, also let me into your heart as much as possible, so that I can also receive this warm feelings.

Ok la, I might have typed too many words for you to read, I don’t know if you have the chance to read this before you sleep or not. But if not, I hope that these words can give you a bit more assurance and understanding about how I feel and how things can be in the future.

I just really love you, Chooi Sook Ean.

24/11/23