That’s the End

Hello Zerline,

Let’s break indefinitely. I’m not saying this lightly, but honestly the feeling has been simmering for quite sometime. I know I’ve given you enough of my effort and time and love, of which a lot of it is not reciprocated. From the way you treat me, talk to me, and protected me from your family, I am unable to see changes. In fact, it has gotten worse as time passes by.

You’ve taken me for granted since the beginning, from the time you canceled our outing just to have breakfast with your sisters. I never should have let that happen. And the fact that I kept letting you take me, my time, my effort and my love for granted, shows really how much you care, and how lightly invested you are in this relationship since the beginning. It was a mistake on my part. I thought I loved you, and by showing you lots of patience, then perhaps one day you would slowly change. You never really believed in me, believed in us. My appearance in your life was just to show you what you’ve been missing throughout your married life. Once you have had that feeling, you’re now back to your daily routine, your non-stop video calls and FB and XHS and family outings, because you feel safe doing this, and it’s your safe space and they won’t harm you. You never loved me deep enough to sacrifice anything of significance, perhaps whatever you did was just sympathy or the need to repay back the feeling due to your good nature.

When you’re not even able to come out with your so-called SOP after so many days, claiming you’re “busy” I know all hope has been lost. You had plenty of time to chit chat with colleagues, video calls, FB, XHS, WhatsApp chats, family dinners, lunches… yet you can’t even spend 1-2 hours seriously sitting down to think of this serious thing. This should be your topmost priority. It shows actually how low of a priority my concern is; you just don’t care.

I feel pathetic to keep chasing you like this, keep asking for your time, begging you, asking you to do the right thing. Yet, your focus has always prioritize family, important or non-important text messages, friends, colleagues, ex-colleagues. When I voiced my displeasure or uncomfortable feelings, your immediate reaction is to defend them. You never once stopped to think, to empathize and feel what and why I’m hurting. You defended their actions, their dignity, and at the same time stepped on my dignity and my feelings, brushing them off and labeling me as “jealous, overthink, dramatic, please respect others”. When you went missing for a full hour and didn’t even read my message because need to “respect my friend”, the trust has already started to erode. Can you honestly say that you have 1 time not checked your phone when having lunch with me? Not chatting, just checking. I can’t even recall once that you didn’t immediately bring out your phone once you’re done with your meal. So this contrast with what you claim as “respect”, and when I brought up this point, you didn’t like it because you had no excuse for your behavior when you’re out with an ex-colleague. You keep saying trust trust, yet when your actions does not tally with what you say, your words are simply just that – words. Trust needs time and repeated actions to be built. Time and time again when I found you lying, and then deflect it on me as my problem, is eroding that trust more and more. The times you lied about the laptop checking, the deliberate cropped out screenshot, these are just some examples. They hurt me deeply, yet I continue to keep quiet. You never offered a sincere apology to build up the trust and our connection, you thought that by keeping quiet and sweeping it under the rug, things would be fine. It’s not fine, Zerline, it’s not.

You hurt me so deep during my birthday. I didn’t deserve that treatment – at all. I did nothing wrong. Yet it’s a once in a year event. One day out of 365 days, and you couldn’t even make me happy and treat me like I’m your king. I’m made to feel little, I was made to feel like an NPC, a side character, a kelefeh. You couldn’t even push all other things away to make me feel special. Worst was I had to pay for my own “birthday” dinner, which you scolded me. It’s been 2 times of out 2 years now, that you’ve shown low effort for my birthday. When I say you’re a terrible girlfriend, I’m not exaggerating. You just wanna take and take, and once you’ve tasted the sweet sweet feeling of being loved, now you are going back to your safe shell of being with you family, and familiar routine which you have been trained to do. Your so-called “responsibilities”, the intrusive ways they come into your daily life without boundaries, the expectation that you will be joining them for outing without even asking. Yes even though you’re tired, and sometimes very tired, but your brain has been trained and conditioned to accept this “responsibility” as your divine duty. You don’t see anything wrong with it, and you don’t have any remorse or regrets that it has essentially destroyed your relationship. Maybe the reality will never hit you, and maybe you will forever be living in bliss without knowing or realizing this fact.

It’s been a tiring time and journey for me for the past 2 years. All the chasing, the care, the waiting, the patience, and worrying, and the thinking, the frustration, the trying, the arguments, the begging, has left me devoid of energy. I’m a shell of a man I was once. I stay awake everyday thinking how to solve this puzzle. I know deep in my heart, you’re already emotionally checking out. I know deep in my heart, it’s an uphill and impossible battle to win your time and make you realize that WE are the priority, and not all the video calls and family outings. I did it to myself, by letting you have so much leeway. I should have gave an ultimatum and let you know that this is a non-negotiable rule, our time is strictly reserved for us, and respect the boundaries of a relationship. I know it’s too late now. I am actually just like a zombie everyday, forcing myself to smile, afraid of you canceling lunch or dinner, afraid of words that I asked that might trigger you, afraid of making plans, afraid of giving suggestions, afraid of asking questions. I never felt safe, I never felt you’re there for me, to defend me from outside interference. I feel like I’m fighting alone – instead of fighting together with you. Worse, I feel like you’re joining them to fight me instead. No matter the other party, colleagues, ex-colleagues, family, friends, etc. it always feels like you’re fighting with them against me. I always felt that you like to use logical solution to fix an emotional issue. This is the reason I’ve been so defensive myself lately, because I can already see the end of our relationship coming sooner, rather than later.

When you told me you don’t like sex, and feels disgusted doing it, it made me think wildly. It is me who you don’t like to have sex, or is it in general? How did you live your life for the past 20+ years hating sex? Am I so unattractive to you for you to say something like this? How are we going to feel closer and be intimate if you hate sex? How are we to live out the rest of our lives not being always intimate? It has been almost 2 months since we last have proper sex, yet you see no problem how it might affect us. In the beginning, you told me, sex maybe takes up 30% of our lives. So again, was it you used to have sex 30% last time, but only 3% with me now? Wtf is wrong? I’m not assuming, I’m wondering. Do you know how hurt and defeated I feel that my woman is not willing to make love to me? Do you know how depressed I am? How disconnected I feel? Now, even touching of your arm makes you uncomfortable. Please go and read up that men needs sex – not because wanna fuck – but sex makes them feel wanted by their partner, and it makes them feels desired and safe emotionally. It’s a connection for us men. It’s not always the horny part. You have lived on this earth for 45 years, I hope you’ll know about this sooner.

As for me, it’s my own personal work and struggle and effort to provide for my kids. This is my own challenge. I will not fail this challenge. But it’s my own challenge and does not involve you, nor do I wanna involve you. I know you’re trying to tie how you feel towards me to this maintenance issue, but to me, you’re trying to just use this as an excuse and avoid your own issues. Remember I told you that your avoidance and enmeshment issue was already shown to me even when I was paying them maintenance? Yeah, so I feel, you’re just trying to make this all about me rather than admit you’ve got issues to be solved. Saying this, you know it’s an issue. Yet, you admitted you will not change and hard to change. You’ve shown me your unwillingness to change in order for us to have a better future. You’ve demonstrated that no matter what I do and how long, I will forever not be a priority in your life. This is something no man can accept. I can accept your bad tempers and emotional roller coaster, but I will not accept not being the most important person in your life. I can’t see a future of us together where I am always on standby and having leftover time after your family has finished with you.

So, please just let me do my own things. If you feel that you love me enough to be willing to make changes for us, for our future, until we both are old and die, then tell me, come back to me when you’re ready. I cannot promise I will be waiting for you forever, I cannot guarantee anything. I won’t lie to you.

I’m not typing all these from a place of anger, but it’s truly from a place of deep hurt. It pains me to type out all those things, I never thought the woman that I loved so much could cause me so much pain, all through no fault of my own. I just want a simple, straightforward, happy life with you. One where I feel safe, appreciated, heard, and contented all the time. One where I do not have to live in fear of fighting for your time, fighting for my dignity… and fighting for our relationship due to 3rd party inteference.

I still do love you, deeply. Everyday I miss you. But stepping away is perhaps the most logical thing for me to do now. After all, I guess you would prefer a logical solution to an emotional issue, right?

17/10/2025

Take care,
Alan